Wednesday, April 15, 2009

One of the Most AMAZING Women in the World

Irena Sendler

There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During W.W.II, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an 'ulterior motive'... She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German). Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids). She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most of course had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.

In 2009 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize ... She was not selected.
*Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I’m a little weird but…

Last night, while laying in bed trying to sleep I started thinking of this story I had heard once where a girl told her boyfriend she wanted him to kidnap her and rape her for her boyfriend. He was caught and got arrested before the girl could tell the cops everything was alright (she was bound and gagged in the back of van they used). It got me thinking about the Law and Order: SVU episodes I’ve seen and how horrible rape is. But I also started thinking about my own feelings about rape. I remember at one time, when I was in my early teens and messed up as hell, that I wanted some stranger to rape me because then somehow I’d be attractive to at least one person out there. I realize now how completely irrational and stupid that notion is. I know now that rape is nothing more than a control issue and is rarely about the sex. Sometimes I’m grateful that I’m not perfect looking so that I never become the target of rape but I do want to be attractive. Anyways, based off my earlier teenage feelings I started concocting a poem of a woman’s experience of a rape that she actually wanted to happen. Maybe I should do one about a woman who doesn’t want to be raped who does. I wanted to get my thoughts down before I forgot them in the hecticness of my life. Hopeful I’ll get around to writing them sometime this year. ;D

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Chaucer Can Suck It....

Hello whoever is reading this. I’ve decided that I’m gonna try this new thing where I actually use my blog since my mom asked me about it a while ago. I told her I didn’t have time. So sue me. I still don’t have time but I’d rather write my thoughts down right now instead of listening to my crazy teacher talk about Chaucer. Yay..... not.

So, here we go. I guess I’ll start with the very present thoughts and then go back in time.

I was driving to class today and this asshole decided to be a bitch. I guess it was because he was black and I was a white female and he couldn’t let me be in front of him. (More of my slight racist remarks later, there is a reason, I promise.) So I’m going down the highway and refusing to let him pass me on the right (one it’s illegal and two I was already going way faster than the posted speed limit and I hate when people are so goddamn impatient that they have to go even faster than everyone else.) Anyway, he finally cuts me off and starts weaving in and out of traffic because he’s pissed off and probably trying to kill anyone and everyone in his way. Who the fuck knows.....

On another note, I took a shower this morning, washed my hair. My hair is freaking crazy and has gotten more so the older I get. I haven’t done much damage to it either. But my mother has fine, thin, stick straight hair and my father has thick, crazy curly hair. And then they had me. Yeah, it sucks butt on the best of days. I find that the layers of hair below my ear line are typically straight-ish and the layers on top have this completely random curl thing going on. Moving on....

Monday night I ate dinner at a restaurant called Longhorn Steakhouse. The service was impeccable, I never ran out of something to drink and the food came out promptly and hot. My fiance and I had little breaded and fried shrimp with ranch dip for an appetizer and it was delicious. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. For dinner I had an 8 oz steak (which I didn’t finish) and it was perfect. It was the best steak I’ve ever had. I also got mashed potatoes and french fries. Yes, I know, I’m a fatty. But I didn’t even eat the french fries, I just took them home with me. We also got a slice of key lime pie for dessert to go. We ate that way later that night and it was good too, slightly bitter but I have nothing to compare the taste to except Yopliat yogurt flavored key lime pie.

Sunday. Oh what can I say about Sunday. The day held such promise. My best friend and I were all set to go see her favorite musician of all time, Chris Cornell. He was playing at a club in DC that night. Well we had decided to leave earlyish and eat lunch in DC and maybe do a little sightseeing. Well stupid me, I decided to wear the most uncomfortable shoes that have a tendency of giving me absolutely no support and make my feet feel like they’re on fire. Not fun at all. I’m getting ahead of myself here. We get up around 9 a.m. and take showers and fix our hair and do our makeup. We were pumped and I was driving so that we’d get there in a reasonable amount of time because I’m a little speed demon and she goes the speed limit even though she’s two years older than me. So we arrive in DC, find the club and try to find out where I get my parking ticket (since the website told me to pick it up at the box office) and we were told we couldn’t get it until an hour before the doors opened. Well then. So we find a parking spot along 7th street (in a not so nice part of DC) and start walking to Hooters, where we had decided to have lunch. It was about 7 or 8 blocks away. Yippeeeeeee...... We had 4 hours to kill at this point. We finally get to Hooters and seated and the waitress comes over to get our drink orders, I ordered water and told her my BFF was in the bathroom. She was like ok, whatever and left. My BFF came back and I went to the bathroom. I cam back and we were trying to decide what to order. After we finally ordered, I noticed a couple of guys seated behind us. They received their food at least 10 minutes before us even though they arrived and ordered after we did. Hmmm. Then I saw our waitress chatting up a table about the menu. She didn’t do that with us... Maybe it was because they were black men and we were white females. Oh did I mention that all of the waitress were black? Yeah. So anyway, she visits the table maybe twice after the meal arrived to ask us how we were. Then I ran out of water. Ok, well I’l put it on the edge of the table to get refilled. I waited at least 10 minutes before she came over and refilled it. Then we finished eating and waited another 10 minutes for the check. Another 5 for her to pick up the check and then another 10 for her to bring the receipt. Fuck this shit. We both left less than 15% and left very upset. (They weren’t busy at all either. Waitresses had time to fucking sit down at the tables around us....)

We went further down into the nicer part of DC to visit the Smithsonian museum of Natural History. I made my BFF confront a T-Rex. She hates dinos... LOL. I got a picture of it and set it as my phone background. It makes me smile when I look at it.

Throughout all this wandering, we decided we wanted ice cream since it was warm and very nice outside. Cheap ice cream + poor college students = McDonald’s. So began our quest for the Mickey D’s. I told her my feet were killing me and I had to rest so we went to Starbucks and got crappy treatment again. So we finally get back to the car (it felt like 80 blocks) and drive to the nearest McDonald’s found with VZ Navigator. It was like 3 blocks away towards the club (in the sketch part of town again, I remind you.) We get there finally and I told my BFF I’d wait for her at one of the tables since the line was long, I had had Starbucks and my feet were still killing me. She waited in line forever, people who had come in after her got their food and were sitting down eating and she was still waiting for her freaking ice cream cone. Three people got ice cream and she finally caught the attention of a manager and told him that she had a vanilla cone. He handed it to her and left without saying a word. She walked over to the table and and was almost in tears she was so angry. We left and sat out in the car to wait out the time we had left till we could go to the club and park. Oh did I mention that she and I were the ONLY whites in there, not mention that we were females. Yeah, and they say racism isn’t alive in America. I’m sorry but maybe we were treated like that because blacks think they rule the country because the president is HALF black and they want to punish us like we punished them? Fuck that shit. I don’t treat anyone different because of the color of their skin. Racism is still present and white people aren’t the majority of the people who are discriminating anymore.

We finally end up back at the club and wait outside the doors for an hour (OMG my feet) and then we get inside and wait another hour (OMG my feet) and then the opening band comes on (OMG my feet and ears, they weren’t that good) and THEN we wait another hour before Chris comes on. In between that time, they’re playing songs through the speakers and this woman is singing behind me and she sounds like an off-key mouse and then she starts touching me and rubbing my back. OMG creepy. I started singing in my really bad annoying singing voice, making fun of her and she just keeps on touching me. UGH...............

Well Chris comes on and I’m feeling better and taking pictures and we’re all happy. He did some of his older songs too (which I’m not as familiar with) and I was kinda sad cause I didn’t know what was going on. I also started feeling really really bad since my feet still hurt, my knees were buckling. I though I was gonna faint. I told my BFF I was going to the bathroom quick. I just needed to sit for a second. I fought my way through the crowd, that was hell. And then I dreaded going back through that crap so I texted her and told I was going to the car and I’d wait for her out there. I felt so bad cause she had waited forever to see him and was having a good time and I was ruining it but she told me I wasn’t. Still didn’t stop me from feeling that way though. She ended up leaving the concert early to make sure I was ok even though I told her to stay. I felt, correction, still feel like crap for that. I only hope that it was almost over and she didn’t miss much.

So that’s what’s been going on with me these past couple of days. How’d your weekend go?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Lioness

Where I live we worry about being attacked by an African Lioness. Apparently she escaped a local zoo and has managed to elude the authorities for over a month now. She’s one smart cookie. Now don’t think that I live out in the boonies where she would have plenty of empty land in which to hide. I live in the suburbs. Maybe 15 minutes away from a fairly large city. So my question is, why hasn’t she been caught yet? My theory is that either she’s too smart (I think I’ll name her Amy) or the authorities are really dumb. Maybe both, who knows? I have yet to see Amy though. I’ve seen video and pictures of her though. I’ll post any youtube videos I find for you. This one lady was on the news the other day saying that she thought it was her domestic lynx that’s been missing over a year. Yeah… I don’t think so lady. It’s pretty hard to tell a cat from a lion, I’ll tell you what. Maybe one day I’ll leave my house and get attacked by Amy and live to tell the tale. Maybe not. Either way, it’d be a pretty sweet way to die. I can just see the headlines now, “Local VCU students gets maimed by African Lioness’. Ahhh the fame!

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it sight,
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
~ Romeo and Juliet.~

For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
~Ivan Panin ~

Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.
~ Edgar Allen Poe~

She walks in beauty,
Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes
~Lord Byron ~

The stars of midnight shall be dear
To her; and she shall lean her ear
In many a secret place
Where rivulets dance their wayward round,
And beauty born of murmuring sound Shall pass into her face.
Three years she grew in Sun and Shower
~William Wordsworth 1770-1850~

B.O. - November 4th, 2008

Everything you hear,
thoughts, and words and truths meld,
how could you ever see what’s real?

What’s so special about that color,
we were breed specially,
ignore it, trash it, forget it?

Change is coming, they said,
convince my eyes, my brain, my ears,
is talk that “oh so cheap” to us?

Care for everything.
Live for everyday.
Love for everyone.
Die for nothing.


It’s time.
Time to wake up,
Time to smell the rotting air,
Time to truly see.

For far too long have we stayed silenced.
Silenced by our friends,
Silenced by our family,
Silenced by ourselves.

For we are ones afraid of failure.
Afraid of disappointment,
Afraid of the screaming and fighting,
Afraid for our lives.

We are the ones who have no life.
No dignity,
No money,
No home.

But if we be so helpless then why do you still beat us?
Beat us with sticks,
Beat us with guns,
Beat us with words.

Because it’s you who is afraid!

Afraid of yourself.


Falling slowly in the winter wind,
Dancing, prancing in the clear blueness,
Licking the bitter cold,
Tasting nature’s sweet sugar,
Feeling the iciness creep up my sleeves
as I make the first angel of the season,
Experiencing a winter wonderland
through the eyes of an childish innocent.


If I could take back
every wrong thing said,
I would…

I’d bury it deep
within my heart
and there it would stay,
eating me slowly
every word like acid,
like cancer it’ll consume me
till nothing’s left…

I’ll sleep restlessly
awoken by my lies
by my deceit
by my lost innocence…

I’ll be reminded everyday
of what I almost said
and I’d be thankful
that I didn’t say it all…


I sit staring at the photo
of that wonderful night with you,
marveling at our beauty
and cursing the distance.

You should know one thing,
the story of a stolen heart
with you as the daring culprit,
me as the willing victim.

I pledge myself to you,
completely and without doubt,
but will you do the same
for me?

All I ask from you
is LOVE,
sweet pure virgin love,
reserved exclusively for me.

Could you ever love me
more than I love you?
Your love cannot bear
the universe,
as mine does…

Our Love

Our love is lava.
liquid fire,
Earth’s own molten blood,
it rides my veins,
hot and sticky,
rising up in my slender white throat
this swell of passion
becoming words that only you,
my beloved,
can hear.

Ode to Love's Greatest Secret

When you are near,
My heart speeds up.
When you are far,
I die inside.

My world crumbles,
Without you in it.
When you came,
The darkness was lifted.

My life was incomplete before,
But now I am whole.
Two halves that fit together
So perfectly.

When I cried,
You were there to kiss the tears away.
When I was angry at the world,
You were there to hold me.

If only these words were enough,
To express what I feel inside,
But they don’t, the way you know
is through my kiss.

The softness, the passion,
the love, the tenderness.
Can you feel it yet?

Modern Day Babylon

Show me your riches, your glamorous wealth;
your high life of overwhelming sophistication,
marked by overwhelming voracity is
coveted by masses : shunned by individuals

and you, the Almighty God of Kings,
have effaced all truth and nobleness
but you have built a most magnificent monument
to attest your heavenly power and known by all.

The days of old could teach even Gods a lesson,
Joyous days, laughing at winter, embracing Freedom
but Now! Chained slaves are we
to your written word, for Power frightens.

Please scare us more, scare into submission,
into conformity, into devotion and even fidelity
for we sacrifice for your ignoble glory,
your glamorous wealth, and your shining Heaven.

J'adore l'amour...

Delve deep into my memories
and there you shall find my secret desires,
hidden from the harsh world of judgement,

And within these most sacred desires,
lies the shadows of my hidden treasures,
glittering in the damp dirty darkness,

If you look into the abyss of my soul,
you will see my most cherished treasure,
you, the Romeo of my fantasies,

The memory of your touch
makes my body tingle with pleasure,
dusting the fleshy cobwebs from my mind,

The memory of your body
makes me sigh in ecstasy,
creating a fire within my loins,

The memory of your lips
makes my breath flee into the night,
like a vampire seeking its prey,

The memory of your tongue
makes an ocean of primitive moans,
rising up in my heart, crashing upon my soul,

The memory of your voice
makes my body shiver eagerly,
and my flesh dance and tremble,

But the memory of you
makes my tears salty raindrops upon the earth,
leaving only death in their wake,

For you are only a memory
until you hold me once again,
turning my dreams into reality.


Why do you stand there
on the jagged edge of that precipice?
Standing there with your slashed wrists
and bruised, broken soul.

Where is the strength of a nation
for the confused, aimless millions?
Strength to carry on and live,
when there is nothing left to live for.

Who fed the harrowing tear,
that cuts so smoothly inch by inch?
The tear that feeds the shadowmonsters
of doubt and insecurity.

When did you sacrifice your love
of living, of being free?
Sacrificing the emotional control
that led to your bloodied bruises.

What did you find there
on that jagged edge of that precipice?
Find your joy and sorrow,
your final escape, the end.

His Temple

If a body is a temple
then yours is surely the finest.

Your eyes like stained glass
reflecting your emotions,

Your voice saying the holiest things
and the naughtiest, all music to my ears,

Your hands as hard as church pews
but what gentleness they posses,

Your heart as bright as sunshine
filtering through your wonderful kindness,

Your soul as pure as holy ground
always putting others first,

Your body is a temple
and it is the finest.

Garden of Eden

The Moon’s motherly embrace protects
my roaming spirit as it flits
over the foggy dewgrass, as it skims
the placid tops of pregnant lakes

I dissolve into a different world,
an innocent world, a magical world,
untouched by the evils of Our world,
where sin and corruption do not breed,
a world left to the imagination of minds.

Jubilant flowers sing their love melodies
as my relieved spirit drifts by, and the trees,
they offer me their sweet succulent fruit,
the most delectable and pleasing to the eye,
while the wild tame creatures gather ‘round
to hear the chronicles of sorrow and regret,

it is here I am lost to my old ways,
left to live once again as a child
free from circumstance that kept me prisoner,
flourishing under the wind’s wise whisper,

which banished my crimson clouds,
dripping with blood of the lost, weary, tormented,
they depart, and cotton candy clouds replace them,
giving food to the children of this paradise,

and the children, the ones saved so early,
saved from the wicked world from whence I came,
they bask in His loving rays of forgiveness,
calling out to me, pleading with me,
for nothing but a taste of my world,

but I ignore their cries and refuse their pleas,
frightened of the horror which fills my memory,
only to protect them from their escaped destiny,

and then I feel the dearly departed grab at me,
pull me down, beseech me,
wanting me to tell of loved ones they left behind,

and my family and all the creatures I loved in life,
hug me with tears in their imploring eyes,
wanting only to feel me once more,

but suddenly my soul, seized with shock,
seeps back into the cold white hell,
greeted by the white walls and sterile smells
from which I escaped,
and a tiny anguished cry escapes my throat.

Gaias Tears

Have you ever seen the slick gleam of rain
water on a tin roof? Or heard the soft
pitter patter across a glassy shield?

Or felt the squishy mud between your toes?
Smelt a flower blooming, a tree crying,
a blade growing, or a cool wind sighing?

Ever tasted acidic Gaia tears?
Oh, be blessed if you know the feeling
to see, hear, feel, smell, or taste a spring rain.


what becomes of life
when one succumbs to death?

not yet cold
still warm in fact!
but already owned by HIM…

white walls
hollow halls
so near, so far

a cosmic order
of life?

baby cries
You. Must. Die.

draws you away
whispers its story
sings sweetly, softly, slowly

feel. no. relief. feel. only.


that life is stolen.
that death steals.

a crimson blanket
THE stolen life;

and you?
in your whitetomb

and your snow?
HE sings sweetly, softly…

Soul Barings

Do you remember your childhood? Mine wasn’t so long ago... Well further than I think because I was forced to grow up too soon. But I remember when I went to visit my grandparents and my grandfather was actually there, my grandmother was happy and I was able to enjoy myself and be a kid and play outside. I remember that when you were a kid, your family tried to shield you from all the bad things happening, either in the world or with their personal life. Learning that you’re grandfather died came as a shock because no one told you how serious it was. Or when you never knew that your step-grandfather didn't go to the hospital because he couldn’t afford it. How about never seeing your grandmother cry? I had a horrible childhood and I would never want to relive those bad parts, but the few precious good ones? I’d give anything. I wish I had a better relationship with my extended family. Wish I knew them better. But I was kept from them for so long and now I have no idea how to reconnect with them. I feel abandoned by my father because it never seems like he has time for me or wants to see me all that badly. I know everyone has their problems and I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining. I think sometimes I let everything float to the back of my mind and think only about stupid little superficial shit, like how much I don’t want to go to work, and lose sight of everything I’ve overcome and I have to remind myself so that I realize just how good I have it right now in my life. I only hope that the gods smile upon me and continue to keep me in their good graces.

I wonder now that I’m all grown up, if I’m really ready to be all grown up. I’ve waited all my life to be grown-up and be on my own and be my own person, out of my mom and IT’s shadow and it hasn’t really panned out the way I thought it would. It’s good, just not how I’d imagine it. There’s never enough time or energy or money to get everything I want and that’s not how I imagined it.

I worry that I’ve lost my drive and my creativity for writing. I used to just get random little spurts of poetry out of nowhere. Is it because I’m so happy? Does my life have to be in chaos to spark me? Is my brain mush now from all the TV and mundane bull I bombard myself with every day?? What about the fact that I can’t shut it all off? I have to have the TV or music playing at all times or I go crazy and get all paranoid.

I guess I’m just very confused right now. And I don’t even know why I’m confused. Just that I am.

Ode to the Earthly Guardians

Hearken to my words
oh wise ones of North,

Join me now, if you please,
on this magical journey,

Lend me the strength
of ten thousand forests,
standing against all of the elements,

Lend me the determination
of your keepers, the dwarves,
carving beauty out of your bones,

Lend me the elegance
of a field of poppies,
turning their shining faces towards the sun,

Lend me the wisdom
of an owl, bold and true,
sharing his secrets with the Moon,

Lend me the sight
of a fox, small and cunning,
aware of all and scared of few,

Lend me the leadership
of a wolf, fierce and loving,
teaching young ones the ways of the pack,

And never shall I falter
with your guiding hand,

For you rest within my soul,
anchoring me to the Mother.

Blessed Be.


Let me start by saying I love her. We’ve been together for almost three years and I truly believe that she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Having said this, she doesn’t satisfy a very important need of mine. I mean, a man needs certain things. Women are supposed to need these things too. Maybe not as often as men, but still. She’s so cold in the bedroom. She never wants to do anything creative (creatively normal things, not freaky things). I’m talking different positions every once in awhile and maybe some verbal communication in the bedroom. Something, anything, would be better than what it is now.
So, to satisfy those needs, I cheated. I regret doing it, I think. I enjoyed it so much and that makes me feel so guilty. The other woman rocked my world so hard, I could barely breathe when we were done.
Please believe that I never intended to cheat on my fiancee. It just kinda happened. I know that sounds so cliche, but it’s true. After work one day, I went to the local bar and I talked to the bartender for a little while. He was really personable and goofy. He made me laugh. He had this curly blonde hair that reminded me of the stupid guy in that Alltel commercial. And when he made drinks he always made faces or arranged the fruit in an interesting way. Almost makes me want to be a bartender.
So anyway, a beautiful young blonde thing comes in and sits next to me. She completely ignores me for a little while and I ignore her too, thinking about my fiancee and fantasizing about having real sex with her. Then this woman turns to me and asks me why I’m not falling all over myself trying to impress her. I told her I was engaged and that I don’t look at women like that anymore. She pouted and it was sorta beautiful. She turned away again and looked deep in thought. Then she put her hand on my leg and turned toward me again and said that she’d never been rejected before. I told her not to take it personal and took her hand off of my knee. She put it back and inched it slowly up my leg. I just stared at her, getting an erection that betrayed my true feelings about the situation.
I think that men have it rough sometimes. Our bodies betray us.

To Be Continued...


Now is the time to celebrate,
the tide is turning
He is growing, the infant Sun,
Changing, Reaching for
Her barren body,
ready to touch the leaflings
not yet seeded in the womb
of the young maiden.

Her light gives birth and
the dark is no longer,
the milk of life flows
from her bosom,
serving all that need it,
and the warmth
into the frozen earth,
pushing Her snake from
the dark of the world,
slithering out to test the cold
and staying, feeling his mother,
her warmth and love,
and the beginning of Spring.