Do you remember your childhood? Mine wasn’t so long ago... Well further than I think because I was forced to grow up too soon. But I remember when I went to visit my grandparents and my grandfather was actually there, my grandmother was happy and I was able to enjoy myself and be a kid and play outside. I remember that when you were a kid, your family tried to shield you from all the bad things happening, either in the world or with their personal life. Learning that you’re grandfather died came as a shock because no one told you how serious it was. Or when you never knew that your step-grandfather didn't go to the hospital because he couldn’t afford it. How about never seeing your grandmother cry? I had a horrible childhood and I would never want to relive those bad parts, but the few precious good ones? I’d give anything. I wish I had a better relationship with my extended family. Wish I knew them better. But I was kept from them for so long and now I have no idea how to reconnect with them. I feel abandoned by my father because it never seems like he has time for me or wants to see me all that badly. I know everyone has their problems and I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining. I think sometimes I let everything float to the back of my mind and think only about stupid little superficial shit, like how much I don’t want to go to work, and lose sight of everything I’ve overcome and I have to remind myself so that I realize just how good I have it right now in my life. I only hope that the gods smile upon me and continue to keep me in their good graces.
I wonder now that I’m all grown up, if I’m really ready to be all grown up. I’ve waited all my life to be grown-up and be on my own and be my own person, out of my mom and IT’s shadow and it hasn’t really panned out the way I thought it would. It’s good, just not how I’d imagine it. There’s never enough time or energy or money to get everything I want and that’s not how I imagined it.
I worry that I’ve lost my drive and my creativity for writing. I used to just get random little spurts of poetry out of nowhere. Is it because I’m so happy? Does my life have to be in chaos to spark me? Is my brain mush now from all the TV and mundane bull I bombard myself with every day?? What about the fact that I can’t shut it all off? I have to have the TV or music playing at all times or I go crazy and get all paranoid.
I guess I’m just very confused right now. And I don’t even know why I’m confused. Just that I am.
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1 comment:
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I know I sucked at being a mom when you were growing up. I still suck, though I try to think I learned a 'few' things here and there with you. However, keeping some things in the dark from you kids apparently isn't one of them, since your brothers worry about money and the light bill being paid too.
I hope you can forgive me. I know you want to be close to our family. We are - or should I say I am - dysfunctional and I don't know how to fix that.
I love you, you know that. You mean the world to me. Anything I can do to help fix you and the family just tell me. I'll do anything at all.
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